The Greyhound Death-bus

I’m starting to believe that I may die on a Greyhound bus. Let me explain.

A few weeks ago I took a Greyhound bus that literally had me calling my boyfriend telling him that I’m not sure if I’m going to live, and that if I didn’t make it I love him very much… yeah ok, I get it, I can be pretty damn dramatic and paranoid about almost everything, but this was terrifying.

Have you ever had one of those drivers (for anything! Cab, Uber, general public transit) where you see it in their eyes that they have checked out? They no longer give a fuck about squat, and may possibly be contemplating driving your ride off of a bridge? Well then, meet my driver for this ride.

So, this bus venture first started with our bus flying off of the highway, on to the shoulder, into the grass at almost 100 km p/h, so our driver could check something under the hood (this is when I called the bf because I honestly thought this guy had snapped and was about to take us all out, one way or another.)

Ok ok ok ok, I know what you’re thinking…. well I know what I was think:

  1. Hi, bus driver guy, slow the fuck down when you’re driving a giant heavy bus full of passengers off the highway to check something.
  2. Oh god! Why are we stopped here? Is he going to kill us? Just grab his gun and mow down the helpless, unsuspecting victims that is us!?
  3. Oh, he’s checking under the hood. Are you a mechanic? If there is something so noticeably wrong with the bus shouldn’t you, maybe, not drive this vehicle?

I guess everything looks fine, though, because the driver gets back on the bus, he doesn’t kill any of us, and we take off full blast off the gravel shoulder onto the highway.

Awesome. Now he’s swerving all over the highway, and driving as fast as he can get away with; he’s going over the line, and riding the shoulder. There are multiple nervouse heads looking this way and that, by this point.

This is when I notice the bus is jumpy-bumpy-jiggly all over. I would say this is normal Greyhound behaviour but I’ve taken way too many Greyhounds to know better, and it catches my attention because it feels exactly like what a bulged tire feels like (a bulged tire means the tire is way too bald, and very close to exploding and potentially killing many of us).

Needless to say, I’m scared. So scared that I’ve actually got the bf texting me every 20 minutes just to ensure I’m not dead in a ditch.

A good hour into this ride we FLY into construction on the highway. Most people slow down and are urged to, by law, to slow down while traveling through a construction zone. Not this guy. We cruise through it, hit a really awkward bump while changing lanes and going around a bend, and the bus ever-so-slightly jumps sideways.

Now this causes the bus to shake its contents a little too violently, and the nervous energy inside charges right back up again. The older couple 3 seats ahead of me are clutching to each other and watching out the windshield; the writer to my left has lifted his head from the other world he was creating, and looks about the bus with a calmly panicked expression; people behind me begin to whisper.

Oh! Did I forget to mention that all this time the bus is actually swaying slightly. I’ve also notices that every time we climbed a slope leading to a bridge the driver would accelerate aggressively, and then drive too-close-for-comfort to the railing.

By the time we pull into the destination city it’s started to rain. We’re stopped at a red light that goes green, and this is when I know just how bald this buses tires are. They are sooo bald that they can’t get enough traction on a barely damp road to start driving again, or turn a corner…. we slip back into motion after a minute, and skid slowly around the corner.

I was more than relieved to be alive when we pulled into the station. I took down the license plate and the bus number, and vowed to never take that bus again.

Now I bring this story up because I’m on a very jumpy-bumpy-jiggly all over bus,  again, and I can’t help but think to myself “did I get on the fucking death-bus again!?”

Since that ride I’ve been very cautious to ensure I check the license plate and bus number, but this time I was so sad to leave the bf, so excited my bus was upgraded to an express ride, and so distracted over trying to find the bus I’m getting on, that I forget to check the lisence plate and bus number. The second this bus starts getting onto the highway something very familiar hits me…. that weird jiggle, the nauseating sway, the jumpy shocks… “did I get on that fucking death-bus again?” And what makes it worse is that while I’m typing this story out (on my my phone, on my bus #dedication) the driver drifts onto the wakeup-bumps on the shoulder of the road, and very casually fixes the error… why you so close to the damn shoulder?!

If you don’t know what wakeup-bumps are: they’re little grooves in the highway shoulder that makes this loud, startling vibrating sound that’s supposed to wake up any sleepy drivers if they start to fall asleep and drift off the road. Long story short: they try to save sleep-deprived lives.

*stressed sigh* you better believe I freaked out and called my man hahaha.

I can’t wait to be home!  And looking around the bus I once again see some very carefully observing, nervous faces.

I love you all! Send me survival vibes, please! D:

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